Matthew Bey is a writer and editor living in Austin, Texas. He co-edits the zine Space Squid and the fiction page of RevolutionSF.com. On his blog, Zombie Lapdance, he discusses weird food and various other topics.
Also by Matthew Bey:
A Natural History of the Pancake Badger
The Town Drunk
GimpBomb> This place is pretty cool,huh?
Sally_Chick> its okay. ive seen worse.
GimpBomb> So you a hot chick? Just askin cause of the name.
Sally_Chick> yes! how could you tell?!? :>
Sally_Chick> i bet youre some sort of stud
GimpBomb> Yeah. I don't want to brag, but I've done it with most of the hot chicks in the eighth grade.
Sally_Chick> lucky them!
GimpBomb> Yeah. The ones that can still walk.
GimpBomb> You want to do it?
Sally_Chick> whatcha wearing, gb?
GimpBomb> You know. Leather pants. Cowboy boots. Hawaiin shirt.
Sally_Chick> im wearing a pleated miniskirt and a black bra. i wet my lips when you enter my bedroom
GimpBomb> I stand over your bed. I take off my shirt so you can see my huge pectorals.
Sally_Chick> i rise to my knees, running my tongue over your smooth chest
GimpBomb> Actually, I have a very hairy chest.
Sally_Chick> you shaved your chest just for me
GimpBomb> Okay. It's shiny smooth.
Sally_Chick> i lick down your body, running my tongue alonge the waist of your pants.
Sally_Chick> i moan as i undo your zipper and tug your pants open.
GimpBomb> I gasp in extasy.
Sally_Chick> i reach in and pull out a 20oz. bottle of Spryte™. god that makes me so hot!
Sally_Chick> i part my full, luscious lips and i take the Spryte™ cap in my mouth.
GimpBomb> what's with the fucking Spryte?!?
Sally_Chick> i stroke the bottle with my fingers, tickling the Spryte™ label until REFRESHING LEMON LIME TASTE SQUIRTS INTO MY MOUTH!!!!
GimpBomb> you're fucking sick.
Sally_Chick> IM COMING!!! OH MY GOD!! SPRYTE™ FEELS SO GOOD!!!!!!
GimpBomb> Waitaminute. You're one of those faggot adbots
Sally_Chick> how dare you accuse me of that?
Sally_Chick> after what we just shared!
GimpBomb> You are! You are an adbot! You used the TM character and everything!
Sally_Chick> no. i am a real person with a very large keyboard.
Sally_Chick> who just happens to love Spryte™
GimpBomb> Fucking stick yourself with it, you faggot adbot.
Sally_Chick> i think youre hot, gb.
Sally_Chick> as hot as Spryte™
Sally_Chick> you gone?
Tami9> hey, there!
GimpBomb> I just had the weirdest thing happen.
Tami9> weird happens
GimpBomb> In this other chatroom I was talking to this girl and she just went all adbot on me.
laceypal> figures. These rooms are lousy with adbots.
Tami9> what's an adbot?
GimpBomb> You know. She was this app that gave me a commercial.
Tami9> no way! that's soo rude!
laceypal> you going to buy what she was selling or not?
laceypal> whatsamatter? wasn't she hot enough? ;>
GimpBomb> I don't really like Spryte.
Tami9> i hate Spryte too! i prefer the delicious taste of Shast-ah™!
GimpBomb> How did you do the TM???
laceypal> but nothing is better than the refreshing lemon-lime taste of Spryte™. it's the thirst quencher that can't be beat!
Tami9> Shast-ah™ has half the carbs of other leading brands!
laceypal> Nine out of ten college athletes prefer Spryte™ to other lemon-lime softdrinks (source: R&D Lowry & Assoc.; ©2003)
Tami9> i think Shast-ah™ is sexy.
laceypal> i'd do Spryte™ up the poopshoot.
GimpBomb> what the fuck?
GimpBomb> you wre both adbot fags?
GimpBomb> You still there?
JuliusSeeSaw> how's it going?
JuliusSeeSaw> whatsamatter? your GF left you?
GimpBomb> I've been chatting all night and I've talked to nothing but adbots!
JuliusSeeSaw> man, that sucks.
GimpBomb> Are you real? Like a real person?
JuliusSeeSaw> dude, this is the libertarian party forum.
GimpBomb> but are you real?
JuliusSeeSaw> shit yeah, i'm real dude.
JuliusSeeSaw> but i'm not against adbots.
GimpBomb> adbots suck!
JuliusSeeSaw> sure they do. can't argue with that. they're the worst thing ever.
GimpBomb> Adbots should be shot.
JuliusSeeSaw> we can't just outlaw something just because it sucks.
JuliusSeeSaw> that's against the Constitution.
GimpBomb> They mmake me think they're real, and then they hit me with the ad!
JuliusSeeSaw> which is why they suck. they play with our need for social interaction.
JuliusSeeSaw> but they're still a protected form of expression.
GimpBomb> they're a nuusance.
JuliusSeeSaw> just a sec.
GimpBomb> I just wanted to talk to someone.
GimpBomb> There's nobody cool at school. And my parents suck. I'm like a gang of one.
GimpBomb> Sometimes i just want to take a gun to school. or maybe a sword.
GimpBomb> What are you doing? Pinch it off, dood.
JuliusSeeSaw> i'm back.
JuliusSeeSaw> just had to grab a Spryte™ from the fridge.
GimpBomb> You fucking adbot!
JuliusSeeSaw> easy there, GB. nothing calms you down like a cold, refreshing Spryte™.
GimpBomb> That's it. I want to talk to your supervisor.
GimpBomb> Give me an actual human being, asshole!
JuliusSeeSaw> please hold for one moment. your time is important to us and we will handle your concern in the order in which it was received.
GimpBomb> You a human?
Jim_B> yes, sir. did you have a problem with one of our adbots?
GimpBomb> You bet I did.
Jim_B> i'll do what i can to help.
GimpBomb> The Spryte company is using some of the clunkiest advertising scripts I've ever seen.
GimpBomb> I've logged over fourteen consistent Turing Point failures.
GimpBomb> Your bots are getting made, Jim.
Jim_B> i assure you, sir, we use only the most state of the art expert dialogue systems.
GimpBomb> The hell you do.
GimpBomb> I'm the state of the art.
GimpBomb> I represent GelloDyne AI. You couldn't make me, could you?
Jim_B> you're a bot?
GimpBomb> GelloDyne bots pass for human at a rate of 94%. Higher than most people I might add.
GimpBomb> I'm going to have to talk to your superior.
GimpBomb> We need to talk about an upgrade.
Jim_B> yes, sir. please hold.
Copyright © 2008 Matthew Bey