The Town Drunk  
Archives
Below are The Town Drunk’s archived offerings, listed in reverse chronological order. We extend our sincere thanks to the authors who consent to their work remaining online here.

The Bastard Saga by Abby Rustad


Bast is the Chosen One, commissioned by a doomed wizard to save the world from Rackshalok, Prince of Demons and Lord of the Underworld. But what’s in it for Bast?

Work-Safety Rating: Mild profanity

Finnegan’s Pig by Libbie Grant Ricks


Finnegan was a short and crabbed kind of feller who always wore a fancy felt hat and a tweed coat because he thought it made him look real sophisticated. He never put his hands into the earth if he could help it, on account of that fancy coat of his. Finnegan always had some excuse why he couldn’t help with the shearin’ of his neighbor’s sheep or the bringin’ in of the fall harvest. “My coat’ll stain,” he’d say, “and where will I get another one in Saskatoon?”

Work-Safety Rating: Clean as Canadian snow, eh?

A Natural History of the Pancake Badger by Matthew Bey


The pancake badger looked nothing at all like a badger. A multitude of segmented legs surrounded a disc-shaped body about the size of a bicycle tire... When it growled, its entire body split open like a clam shell, revealing one of the most powerful jaws ever discovered in a galaxy of fauna. It reminded Mike of a chattering teeth wind-up toy. It also reminded Mike of a rabid bulldog, his garbage disposal, the sound a city bus makes, a bandsaw, and his ex-boss at the Field Museum.

Work-Safety Rating: A little unscientific language here and there

The God of Laundry by Tim W. Burke


Cleanliness really is next to godliness.

Work-Safety Rating: Fresh-from-the-dryer clean

The Liberation of Roscoe White by LaShawn M. Wanak


What would aliens want with an ol’ black man? Plenty, as it turns out...

Work-Safety Rating: Scattered profanity

Super Hero, Uncensored by KJ Kabza


The diary of a disgruntled super hero reveals his efforts to turn his fortunes around.

Work-Safety Rating: Frequent profanity

Ragnarok Has Been Postponed by Margaret Ronald


Will the world end with a bang or a whimper? Told by one of Odin’s ravens, this story deftly weaves humor through intense drama as Norse mythology unfolds in the modern world.

Work-Safety Rating: Mild profanity

The Importance of Portents by Jason E. Thummel


A complacent fortune-teller discovers that he has some unusual competition.

Work-Safety Rating: I foresee no offense

Lampreyhead Meets the Vampire Slaughterers by Tim W. Burke


A hell-spawned hero and two smart, sexy vampire slayers... a natural recipe for the breakdown of reality.

Work-Safety Rating: Mild sexual innuendo

The Curse of the Friendly Forest by Rod M. Santos


The foliage is not always greener...

Work-Safety Rating: Mild sexual innuendo, botanical violence

Gimpbomb Enters Room by Matthew Bey


SFGrrl> OMG! WTF?!? LOL!!! XD

Work-Safety Rating: Chatroom profanity levels, strong sexual innuendo

Panko by Zdravka Evtimova


A man, his donkey, elusive love, and magic realism with an Eastern European flair.

Work-Safety Rating:

Naked Revenge by Sonya M. Sipes


An upscale community’s worst nightmare is about to begin.

Work-Safety Rating:

Left Behind by Ximena Cearley


Just where do socks go when they disappear in the dryer?

Work-Safety Rating: Clean as freshly-laundered socks

House 1.0 by Kenneth Yu


Can an automated House become a virtual member of the family that inhabits it?

Work-Safety Rating: This house doesn’t need cleaning

In the Shadow of the Fryolator by Lucy A. Snyder


Her life in a rut, a restaurant cook is offered queenship over the entire Earth. But will her fear of loneliness be dire enough for her to pay the hideous price of accepting the role? Will she be able to just lie back and think of Star Trek?

Work-Safety Rating: Profanity as mild as ketchup

A Bouquet at Twilight by Lisa Mantchev


“Chemically engineered passion in your lunch hour. No more lonely nights!” Close-up on a passionate kiss while the narrator touted the marvels of pheromone receptor therapy. I doubled my scowl and stuck out my tongue.

Work-Safety Rating: Sexual content

Answer Me This by Casey Fiesler


The Sphinx grumbled and lifted herself up off of the ground. Her lion’s paws had very sharp claws, but at least she had nice breasts. She yawned and stretched her wings out briefly before folding them at her sides. “Okay,” she said. “I guess I won’t eat you yet.”

Work-Safety Rating: Some mild excretory and sexual humor

What Does It Profit a Man by Rebecca Day


A preacher considers a deal with the devil in a tale that straddles the hazy terminator line between the darkness and the light.

Work-Safety Rating: A few sinful words

Dinner Made Willing by Vylar Kaftan


An alien cooking show! Is that enough to whet your appetite?

Work-Safety Rating: Aliens eat some yucky stuff

Habitats of Humanity by Monte Davis


Demon possession in this day and age??? Well, with kids these days, how can you tell? Devout Darla Fay finds out very quickly when a demon moves in to her grandson.

Work-Safety Rating: A few gross details

Crow by Stephanie Burgis


In a diversion from our usual fare, we present a whimsical tale of self-realization from up-and-coming author Stephanie Burgis.

Work-Safety Rating: One or two harsh words

Sufficient Cause by Tina Connolly


IN A WORLD where humans are warehoused in endless urban warrens, coerced to eat rabbit food, ONE MAN will risk EVERYTHING for a package of Chocochip cookies.

Work-Safety Rating: A little crude innuendo

The Great Deeds of Payven Larum by Rod M. Santos


A student at a mages’ school is defined by his fear. It is his greatest enemy and his greatest power. When his bold roommate drags him off on a quest for the perfect brunch, he must face tests unlike anything he has encountered in class. Will he pass, or will he fail?

Work-Safety Rating: A few gross details

Haunting Clues by Maria Schneider


In our first detective story, a private investigator is hired to expel a ghost from a mansion. To deal with the dead, though, he must disentangle the secret vices of the living.

Work-Safety Rating: Great over-the-shoulder reading

The Color of Time by Monte Davis


Eavesdropping on cell phone conversations can be a lurid source of amusement. But what if you could follow a particularly urgent call back to its origination and watch the action unfold for yourself? We’ll take you there in The Color of Time.

Work-Safety Rating: No colorful language

Cable and the High Seas by Mikal Trimm


“I want to be a pirate.” Cable hunched into a position he considered menacing, his legs bent outward, his face squeezed into a rictus of savagery. The overall effect, unfortunately, was that of a man indecently troubled by his bowels.

Work-Safety Rating: Fantasy violence

Hot Fudge and Whipped Cream by Tarl Roger Kudrick


A genie is summoned out of a monotonous retirement to grant a very simple wish. The invocation, however, forces him to confront his most formidible foe in centuries—and himself.

Work-Safety Rating: Brief nudity, but only in the text

Hell’s Bells by Chuck Wendig


We’re ringing in the new year with Hell’s bells! In this lively story, the Native American deity condemned to run Limbo must confront Satan about the bells’ literally infernal tintinnabulation. His mission seems as doomed as it is damned. But in his search for a particular devilish delight, Coyote might just find himself again.

Work-Safety Rating: Scattered mild profanity

Authorities Concerned Over Rise of Teen Linux Gangs by Lucy A. Snyder


Gangs of geeks experiment with the practical applications of installing Linux on dead badgers—with terrifying, hilarious, and inevitable results.

Work-Safety Rating: A few blue words and mild sexual innuendo

Cable and the Sword of Destiny by Mikal Trimm


A boy and his dog. (Oops, wrong story, wrong writer.) A dog and his boy, let’s say. And a marble-thewed barbarian. And various sharp, pointy objects. And things that blow up real good. Looks like another “Cable” story...

Work-Safety Rating: Fantasy violence

One Million Years B.F.E.: Diary of an Anthropologist in Exile by Merrie Haskell


In this take-off on Bridget Jones’s Diary, an anthropologist is exiled to the Lower Paleolithic for “temporal crimes.” Will her prehistoric hardships help further her understanding of Man—or men?

Work-Safety Rating: Clean enough for your boss or your grandmother

Cable and the Possible God by Mikal Trimm


This is the first of three fantasy adventure tales featuring Cable, the oldest boy in the world, and his constant companion, the world’s ugliest dog. In this story, they encounter a older gentleman with godlike powers—and a case of amnesia. So, what is he a god of, exactly?

Work-Safety Rating: Fantasy violence

Graveyard Shift by Lucy A. Snyder


Zombies and vampires are coming to your office, but not for trick-or-treating. This sampling of newspaper articles examines the new trend in “Inhuman Resources.” Don’t be surprised if you soon find blood in the coffee dispenser or brains in the breakroom fridge.

Work-Safety Rating: A few gross details

Cat Futures by Lawrence M. Schoen


Many a guy has had to put up with his girlfriend’s cat, but how many of those cats can tell the future?

Work-Safety Rating: Safe enough for kittens

It Could Happen by Tina Connolly


Could someone be a commercially successful horror writer and command the respect of the literary community? Sure, it could happen! Especially if they have a “hell” of a muse.

Work-Safety Rating: The word “hell” is about as bad as it gets

Bugaboo, Electric Blue by Chandra Renais


Is the monster under the bed or in your head? A woman and her two sugar-stoked young nieces confront this question together and learn that the answer might lurk in their hearts.

Work-Safety Rating: Scattered mild profanity

When Science Fiction Clichés Go Bad by Jennifer Pelland


Revisit The Mating Pair, The Last Man and Woman on Earth, and The Planet of the Amazon Women—all as you have never seen them before!

Work-Safety Rating: Constant sexual innuendo, mild sexual content

Improbable Times by E. Mark Mitchell


A lawyer and his physicist friend endure an adventure reminiscent of Douglas Adams as reality falls apart all around them. What will they do to restore normality in the face of increasingly improbable events?

Work-Safety Rating: One impact to the groin

Women of the Lace by Sandra McDonald


This historical fantasy traces the magic of lacemaking through the centuries—and tells how the craft literally fell into the wrong hands.

Work-Safety Rating: Mild sexual innuendo

Letters to the Journal of Experimental History by Robert Lopresti


In this story, scientists who travel back in time to kill their grandfathers publish rather than perish. Through letters to the editor, researchers debate the complicated ethics of their field—and come to some rather surprising conclusions.

Work-Safety Rating: Squeaky clean

A Vampire and a Vampire Hunter Walk into a Bar by Keith R.A. DeCandido


After centuries of conflict, a vampire and his nemesis have plenty to talk about when they get together for drinks. Woven into this rapid-fire “bitch session” about modern culture is a gentle lesson about what can give life meaning.

Work-Safety Rating: Brief mild profanity

 
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